I'm supposed to make a speech at my queerphobic brother's…
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I'm supposed to make a speech at my queerphobic brother's 21st and I don't know if I can do it
So next week school is finishing for me and my younger brother (I'm in my final year of high school) and then my family is going to the city where my older brother is in university for his 21st celebration. My parents and my older brother have asked me to do a speech, but I just don't know if I'm willing.
I came out to my parents just over two years ago, and since then we've barely ever talked about my orientation at all. Neither of my siblings know, but my family is Christian and basically everyone in my extended and immediate family is queerphobic to one degree or another. My older brother is no exception, he adores complaining about media that's too woke and calling stuff gay when he really means its stupid. For god's sake a week or two ago I notcied on his Instagram profile that he follows DONALD TRUMP. I have no idea how I'd ever muster up the courage to come out to him. I'm so certain he'd be disgusted with me.
And with this speech, I don't see how I can stand up there and talk about about how much I love my brother and how grateful I am that he's in my life when I don't even know if that's true. I spoke about this with a psychologist a while back; sometimes I don't even know if I actually love or like my family, or I'm just going through the motions out of obligation. I feel like I only ever see one side of the people in my family at once. Either I'm so focused on how bigoted and vitriolic and coarse they can be that it fills me with anger and resentment, or I try to defend them to myself as people who truly do seem to care about me and their own families. I just can't reconcile the two.
So yeah. Don't really know what to do. I've considered talking to my parents about it, or even coming out to my brother when I see himat his party, but I just don't feel like I have the strength for it. Since I came out and even before that I've had some really tough and overwhelming conversations with my parents, and with me just finishing three weeks of exams I have no energy left. And to be honest I'm freaking sick of being the one to disrupt everything and make everyone uncomfortable by finally addressing the elephant in the room. I'm tired of not being certian of anything that I'm feeling.
#lifestyle
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So next week school is finishing for me and my younger brother (I'm in my final year of high school) and then my family is going to the city where my older brother is in university for his 21st celebration. My parents and my older brother have asked me to do a speech, but I just don't know if I'm willing.
I came out to my parents just over two years ago, and since then we've barely ever talked about my orientation at all. Neither of my siblings know, but my family is Christian and basically everyone in my extended and immediate family is queerphobic to one degree or another. My older brother is no exception, he adores complaining about media that's too woke and calling stuff gay when he really means its stupid. For god's sake a week or two ago I notcied on his Instagram profile that he follows DONALD TRUMP. I have no idea how I'd ever muster up the courage to come out to him. I'm so certain he'd be disgusted with me.
And with this speech, I don't see how I can stand up there and talk about about how much I love my brother and how grateful I am that he's in my life when I don't even know if that's true. I spoke about this with a psychologist a while back; sometimes I don't even know if I actually love or like my family, or I'm just going through the motions out of obligation. I feel like I only ever see one side of the people in my family at once. Either I'm so focused on how bigoted and vitriolic and coarse they can be that it fills me with anger and resentment, or I try to defend them to myself as people who truly do seem to care about me and their own families. I just can't reconcile the two.
So yeah. Don't really know what to do. I've considered talking to my parents about it, or even coming out to my brother when I see himat his party, but I just don't feel like I have the strength for it. Since I came out and even before that I've had some really tough and overwhelming conversations with my parents, and with me just finishing three weeks of exams I have no energy left. And to be honest I'm freaking sick of being the one to disrupt everything and make everyone uncomfortable by finally addressing the elephant in the room. I'm tired of not being certian of anything that I'm feeling.
#lifestyle
source
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