I haven’t looked at her in 6 months Since I was seven…
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I haven’t looked at her in 6 months
Since I was seven years old, I’ve had this friend.
Most people would call her imaginary, but she’s been a pillar of consistency in my life for twenty-eight years.
She looks at me from around corners.
Lingers above the shower curtain.
For a long time, she only showed me the top half of her face.
When I get out of the shower there she is at the doorway, always peering at me with her lifeless, curious expression.
Every time I run to see the rest of her she disappears to a different spot further away, just out of reach.
I can’t figure out how she does it.
One time I ran far out into a field where the nearest tree was so far away I could barely see it.
But somehow I knew she was there.
Hiding behind that tree.
Watching.
I sat in that field for two straight days.
Most of you will probably shudder at the thought of her.
But I’ve known her for so long.
When I first told my parents about her they told me to start acting my age.
So I stopped talking about her.
On my tenth birthday I decided to stop trying to interact with her.
After a year of pretending she wasn’t there I was sure that I was able to see more of her face.
Only a centimeter more, or maybe less.
Though it could’ve been a millimeter and I would’ve noticed.
After years of trying to ignore her and some years of paying close attention to her I realized something.
When I pay attention to her she stops moving.
When I ignore her I start to see more of her.
Centimeters, inches, whatever.
But the amount of her that is visible grows.
One year I decided to ignore her as much as I could.
Eventually, I was able to see most of her face.
You may think, okay, just pay attention to her so she stops moving.
If you saw what she looks like you wouldn’t be saying that.
Besides, it’s not just the way that she looks. It’s what her expression does to me.
It’s like she has some sort of power over me.
You wouldn’t want to look either.
You definitely wouldn’t want to go your whole life doing it that’s for sure.
I’ve calculated everything.
If I look for this many years, and don’t look for this many, how much more of her will reveal itself?
That would be useful if the amount she grew followed any sort of pattern.
In 2003 she grew a whole two centimeters.
That was the year I started to see the bottom half of her face.
That was the year I could tell she was smiling.
Part of me just wants to ignore her to see what happens when I can finally see all of her.
Of course she makes me nervous.
I can’t commit to any serious relationships.
I can only work from home.
No one wants to be friends with a guy that’s always nervous and looking over his shoulder.
The years I pay attention to her are the absolute worst.
So much time lost.
I’d even try to make the most of it.
For 6 months I tried to get her to play chess with me just to have a laugh.
But the laughs I let out didn’t feel like my own.
It drove me crazier than I already was.
I go days waiting for my brain to explode from the stress.
Sometimes I think she has a power over me that keeps me healthy, alive, and tied to her.
I think I’d be dead already if that weren’t the case.
I have this awful feeling that I won’t be able to tell you what happens when she gets out.
Will she escape whatever is holding her back?
I guess that would be me.
I’m the gatekeeper.
My only real job.
My online counseling gig doesn’t count.
Can you imagine someone like me giving life advice?
Well, that's all I can do.
Sometimes I forget about her when I’m gaming.
I’ll zone out in a COD match and forget everything for a moment.
It’s the only time I relax.
But then I feel guilty for zoning out.
The idea of her getting out really ruins the vibe.
She ruins everything.
Sleeping is a nightmare.
She is almost always at the end of my bed.
Sometimes she will switch it up and peek at me from the side of the bed.
I want to reach out and hit her when that happens, but I can’t.
When she gets close I’m frozen.
My body feels like a ton of bricks and I can barely lift my arms.
It’s like she can lock me in place if I look at her too closely.
I’ve gotten very good at feeling where she is.
It’s like I’ve developed a sixth sense for her.
I haven’t looked at her in six months.
But I can still feel where she is.
She’s not clinging to the corners anymore.
She’s right behind me.
#entertainment
source
Since I was seven years old, I’ve had this friend.
Most people would call her imaginary, but she’s been a pillar of consistency in my life for twenty-eight years.
She looks at me from around corners.
Lingers above the shower curtain.
For a long time, she only showed me the top half of her face.
When I get out of the shower there she is at the doorway, always peering at me with her lifeless, curious expression.
Every time I run to see the rest of her she disappears to a different spot further away, just out of reach.
I can’t figure out how she does it.
One time I ran far out into a field where the nearest tree was so far away I could barely see it.
But somehow I knew she was there.
Hiding behind that tree.
Watching.
I sat in that field for two straight days.
Most of you will probably shudder at the thought of her.
But I’ve known her for so long.
When I first told my parents about her they told me to start acting my age.
So I stopped talking about her.
On my tenth birthday I decided to stop trying to interact with her.
After a year of pretending she wasn’t there I was sure that I was able to see more of her face.
Only a centimeter more, or maybe less.
Though it could’ve been a millimeter and I would’ve noticed.
After years of trying to ignore her and some years of paying close attention to her I realized something.
When I pay attention to her she stops moving.
When I ignore her I start to see more of her.
Centimeters, inches, whatever.
But the amount of her that is visible grows.
One year I decided to ignore her as much as I could.
Eventually, I was able to see most of her face.
You may think, okay, just pay attention to her so she stops moving.
If you saw what she looks like you wouldn’t be saying that.
Besides, it’s not just the way that she looks. It’s what her expression does to me.
It’s like she has some sort of power over me.
You wouldn’t want to look either.
You definitely wouldn’t want to go your whole life doing it that’s for sure.
I’ve calculated everything.
If I look for this many years, and don’t look for this many, how much more of her will reveal itself?
That would be useful if the amount she grew followed any sort of pattern.
In 2003 she grew a whole two centimeters.
That was the year I started to see the bottom half of her face.
That was the year I could tell she was smiling.
Part of me just wants to ignore her to see what happens when I can finally see all of her.
Of course she makes me nervous.
I can’t commit to any serious relationships.
I can only work from home.
No one wants to be friends with a guy that’s always nervous and looking over his shoulder.
The years I pay attention to her are the absolute worst.
So much time lost.
I’d even try to make the most of it.
For 6 months I tried to get her to play chess with me just to have a laugh.
But the laughs I let out didn’t feel like my own.
It drove me crazier than I already was.
I go days waiting for my brain to explode from the stress.
Sometimes I think she has a power over me that keeps me healthy, alive, and tied to her.
I think I’d be dead already if that weren’t the case.
I have this awful feeling that I won’t be able to tell you what happens when she gets out.
Will she escape whatever is holding her back?
I guess that would be me.
I’m the gatekeeper.
My only real job.
My online counseling gig doesn’t count.
Can you imagine someone like me giving life advice?
Well, that's all I can do.
Sometimes I forget about her when I’m gaming.
I’ll zone out in a COD match and forget everything for a moment.
It’s the only time I relax.
But then I feel guilty for zoning out.
The idea of her getting out really ruins the vibe.
She ruins everything.
Sleeping is a nightmare.
She is almost always at the end of my bed.
Sometimes she will switch it up and peek at me from the side of the bed.
I want to reach out and hit her when that happens, but I can’t.
When she gets close I’m frozen.
My body feels like a ton of bricks and I can barely lift my arms.
It’s like she can lock me in place if I look at her too closely.
I’ve gotten very good at feeling where she is.
It’s like I’ve developed a sixth sense for her.
I haven’t looked at her in six months.
But I can still feel where she is.
She’s not clinging to the corners anymore.
She’s right behind me.
#entertainment
source
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