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Call me crazy, call me insane. Both suits me quite ok... Never quiet "fit in" growing up anyway - orphanage: Normal just didn't feel right either nor was being a rebel my thing. I was to afraid to even look the wrong way, never the less do something out of line.... What will my punishment be? Or what will people say or think of me... Growing up in a Childrens home, in a very small Afrikaans town, were the kids in the Childrens home filled half the school. Grade 1 - 12. Now we were not being favored, more like labeled if you know what I mean. Trying so desperately not to be seen or heard, not to get in trouble, just follow the rules and stay in my lane. The first 18 years of my life, EVERYDAY was the same routine. Wake up at 5:30 week days, 7am weekends, breakfast, morning chores, get ready for school, after school get back to what is expected, eat, duties, study, homework, duties again. Although the Childrens home were my only home for the first 18 years of my life, and I have never heard the words: I love you. Or knew what a hug felt like, crying myself to sleep when I was very young. Longing for Love, wishing someone would come hug and tuck me in with the words: I Love you, everything is going to be ok. I would get in trouble because my eyes where glued closed from the crying and the sleep that got hard that the House Mother or a prefect had to warm a tea bag to get the swelling down and soften the sleep so I can open my eyes and see again. Crying myself to sleep night after night, week after week, months, for years and years, even after I finished Grade 12. I believed I was not loved. Not by nobody, 3months old when the Childrens home became my home, how can anybody love or care for me if my mother couldn't even. So I lived in constant fear of rejection, not good enough, no self esteem. But somehow I find myself center of attention, but not in a good why, not very bad either. Got so frustrated with the same shit, different day, tired of taking the blame and keeping quiet all the time. Tired of hearing the words "Kinderhuis Kinders" - labeled. Deep inside my burning heart, I knew, I just felt that I am missing something, that this can not be it. When I think back at some of the choices some kids made, that got them in big big trouble. I chose to be silent, to co-operate, to be obedient - be alone most times - until I allowed myself to be influenced by the friends I chose that were 3 years older than me. So I started smoking at age 13. Becoming a young women going to high school. I started looking for attention from someone-anyone. That I became so hungry for wanting to feel loved and wanted, I gave up my womanhood in a friendship bet, where she didn't even went through with it, and kept her side of the deal. So I lost my self respect, hoping, thinking, well, at least I will have a real true friend. Becoming a people pleaser, trying to prove that I am worthy of love. looking, searching approval and looking for love and attention in all the wrong ways and places. That I ended up, after school, whether you got somewhere or someone to go to, you got to go. So after school, from a small town Afrikaans Kinderhuis Kind, I needed to go and find my place in this big City life. I had to find a way to make money, a lot of it, and fast. Come to realize how ALONE I really was. Or so I still believed, back then. So I made another wrong choice. After a year of bartending and waitressing, it just wasn't enough. I could not afford anything. I just just survived, working 2 jobs, staying alone, pretending I'm ok. But the truth is, and hardly ever, I don't remember me being happy, EVER. Never relaxed. Always stressed out and over tired.... Until.... I almost allowed myself being taken advantage of, for the reason to survive. He actually gave me an idea, that lead to this choice where I only digged the hole I was in, much deeper for myself.... And I got stuck in this hole for a very long time..... You probably wondering w.t.f is the point of me telling you all this. Well, the TRUTH people, I want to tell everyone, or how many as to choose to hear me out. I am now 36 years of age. I spend 12years in that hole I chose to dig for myself, because I believed I was a nobody, with nobody, with nowhere. So w.t.f . I Letterly felt like I had nothing to lose. When it was almost to late, I almost lost my Soul. Did not sell it, I hated every second of being trapped in that hole, I hated it. I started trying drowning my sorrows and numbing the pain of shame and embarrassment of living with myself in this hole where I could not escape from, cause it paid the bills. I was in a dark, cold and cruel world. I could not recognize the lonely, shy, quiet... "Kinderhuis Kind". At least I was safe, I knew I had a bed, I had food and some direction, even if it was just to study and doing duties. In this hole... dark, cold, alone, unaware of what is going to happen next, afraid of what I must do next, to survive... I wish I could, just once in my life, I wish I can dream. Dream of becoming whatever my dreams guided me to be. To dream of being special, and loved, dream of being held safe by somebody and being excepted for just being me. Soon I realized, one can not dream when one is surviving. I kept quiet for so long. People never really take me serious, laugh and make fun of me. talk behind my back but so nice and polite in my face. Even though they knew I was saying the right thing, my actions, my doings were the opposite. So I find myself today, AGAIN, with a choice. Do I keep quite because I am affraid of what people might say or think of me. Do I say nothing and still feel like I have done nothing to better or improve my surroundings/circumstances. Keeping quiet even when I know what the right thing to do is.... Is jut tell the TRUTH. I want to share my knowledge of the TRUTH and facts that prove that this is the TRUTH. People, my Friends, Brothers and Sisters. We are so very much LOVED. Very much ADDORED and appreciated for coming this far, up until this time in human history, we, us, who made a choice to be here on earth, in this time, to assist and help one another, WITH LOVE, because that is who we are. We are Spiritual Bright Light Beings, who decided to have this human experience, for the reason to overcome fear. And fight it with LOVE.
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