Is Hawaii worth returning to? It's been a while since I…
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Is Hawaii worth returning to?
It's been a while since I last posted here. I stayed away because it reminded me too much of my home, and I miss everything about Hawaii.
I was born and raised in Honolulu, and left for Japan back in December of 2021 to care for my aging grandfather (maternal). Prior to that, I worked as a caregiver alongside my mother, and she wanted to help my grandfather out, but she didn't want to abandon us, and so I went in her stead to look after him.
Since coming to Japan, I've been working in several jobs, with the longest lasting 3 and a half years, and the most recent lasting a little over 5 months. During that time, my mother passed away, and I have no contact with my father (he was abusive). Today, I overheard my grandfather talking to my aunt (my mother's sister), saying that I was "a mistake". This especially hurt me because I was conceived out of wedlock.
I confronted my grandfather, and he downplayed it, and doubled down. I have a feeling that he won't leave anything for me, and that's fine. The problem is that I'll soon be homeless with no job, and no income. I've been hunting relentlessly for a job over the past 2 weeks, and every company I've applied to (50+) have either ignored me, or turned me down because nobody wants to hire a 30-year old guy. As I'm typing this out, I feel like the world just doesn't want me, because I was never meant to be born in the first place.
I couldn't make any friends here, and I tried hard to do so. The more time I spent here in Japan, the more I came to the realization that no matter how well I spoke the language, I'll always be an American, and not full Japanese. Hence, I'd been thinking about returning to the states, preferably Hawaii, but I have no home there anymore since my mother, the only person who cared about me, is long gone. Even if I did go back, I'd probably end up in a homeless shelter, but even that seems more tolerable to the coldness of the people here.
I'm at a real loss here, and maybe I just want to be heard. Thanks for reading my vent/rant, I'm probably not in the right state of mind.
#local
source
It's been a while since I last posted here. I stayed away because it reminded me too much of my home, and I miss everything about Hawaii.
I was born and raised in Honolulu, and left for Japan back in December of 2021 to care for my aging grandfather (maternal). Prior to that, I worked as a caregiver alongside my mother, and she wanted to help my grandfather out, but she didn't want to abandon us, and so I went in her stead to look after him.
Since coming to Japan, I've been working in several jobs, with the longest lasting 3 and a half years, and the most recent lasting a little over 5 months. During that time, my mother passed away, and I have no contact with my father (he was abusive). Today, I overheard my grandfather talking to my aunt (my mother's sister), saying that I was "a mistake". This especially hurt me because I was conceived out of wedlock.
I confronted my grandfather, and he downplayed it, and doubled down. I have a feeling that he won't leave anything for me, and that's fine. The problem is that I'll soon be homeless with no job, and no income. I've been hunting relentlessly for a job over the past 2 weeks, and every company I've applied to (50+) have either ignored me, or turned me down because nobody wants to hire a 30-year old guy. As I'm typing this out, I feel like the world just doesn't want me, because I was never meant to be born in the first place.
I couldn't make any friends here, and I tried hard to do so. The more time I spent here in Japan, the more I came to the realization that no matter how well I spoke the language, I'll always be an American, and not full Japanese. Hence, I'd been thinking about returning to the states, preferably Hawaii, but I have no home there anymore since my mother, the only person who cared about me, is long gone. Even if I did go back, I'd probably end up in a homeless shelter, but even that seems more tolerable to the coldness of the people here.
I'm at a real loss here, and maybe I just want to be heard. Thanks for reading my vent/rant, I'm probably not in the right state of mind.
#local
source
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