I suppressed my gay feelings and now I feel trapped I’m…
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I suppressed my gay feelings and now I feel trapped
I’m married to a woman I genuinely love, and I don’t want to divorce her or lose the life we have together. But I’ve recently started questioning whether I’m actually bisexual, as I’ve been telling myself, or whether I may be gay.
I grew up with conservative Christian beliefs and learned to see attraction to men as something wrong that needed to be buried. When I was younger, I had a sexual experience with another guy. I was the receptive partner, and I loved it, but afterward I pushed that part of myself down and convinced myself it didn’t mean anything.
Looking back, I’ve often wanted emotional closeness with male friends and may have been attracted to some of them. I notice men’s faces, hair, and bodies more naturally than I notice women’s. Male actors have generally affected me more than female actors, and most of the porn and fantasies that genuinely turn me on involve men, male anatomy, or being sexually dominated by a man.
I can have sex with my wife and sometimes enjoy it, but there are things I’m struggling to explain. I usually keep my eyes closed during penetration. Thinking directly about female anatomy can make me uncomfortable, and sometimes I have to keep contracting my pelvic muscles to stay hard. Recently, while my wife was touching me, I deliberately imagined that a man was in her place and performing oral sex on me. It felt natural and made me climax much faster.
At the same time, I love my wife deeply. I feel emotionally attached to her, I enjoy affection and closeness with her, and I don’t want this realization to mean our marriage has to end. That makes it difficult to separate romantic love, emotional companionship, sexual attraction, and the fear of losing everything.
The most honest thought I’ve had is that if I knew everyone would accept me and nothing in my life would be destroyed, I think I might call myself gay. But the possibility of losing my wife, family, faith community, or current life frightens me so much that even calling myself bisexual feels terrifying. I also don’t want to convince myself I’m gay based only on fantasies or temporarily reinterpret my entire marriage while I’m overwhelmed.
I’m working with a therapist and trying to understand this without rushing myself, but I would appreciate perspectives from gay or bisexual men—especially anyone who realized this while married to a woman.
How did you distinguish bisexuality with a strong preference for men from being gay but still capable of loving and sometimes having sex with a woman? Can love and attachment make a mixed-orientation marriage workable, or does trying to preserve it usually cause more pain later? What should I carefully consider before talking to my wife?
I’m not looking for someone online to assign me a label. I’m trying to understand what these patterns may mean and how to be honest without making a rushed decision that hurts the person I love.
TL;DR: I love my wife and don’t want to lose our marriage, but my strongest and most natural sexual attraction appears to be toward men. I’m questioning whether I’m bisexual with a strong preference or gay and deeply emotionally attached to my wife. I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar.
#lifestyle
source
I’m married to a woman I genuinely love, and I don’t want to divorce her or lose the life we have together. But I’ve recently started questioning whether I’m actually bisexual, as I’ve been telling myself, or whether I may be gay.
I grew up with conservative Christian beliefs and learned to see attraction to men as something wrong that needed to be buried. When I was younger, I had a sexual experience with another guy. I was the receptive partner, and I loved it, but afterward I pushed that part of myself down and convinced myself it didn’t mean anything.
Looking back, I’ve often wanted emotional closeness with male friends and may have been attracted to some of them. I notice men’s faces, hair, and bodies more naturally than I notice women’s. Male actors have generally affected me more than female actors, and most of the porn and fantasies that genuinely turn me on involve men, male anatomy, or being sexually dominated by a man.
I can have sex with my wife and sometimes enjoy it, but there are things I’m struggling to explain. I usually keep my eyes closed during penetration. Thinking directly about female anatomy can make me uncomfortable, and sometimes I have to keep contracting my pelvic muscles to stay hard. Recently, while my wife was touching me, I deliberately imagined that a man was in her place and performing oral sex on me. It felt natural and made me climax much faster.
At the same time, I love my wife deeply. I feel emotionally attached to her, I enjoy affection and closeness with her, and I don’t want this realization to mean our marriage has to end. That makes it difficult to separate romantic love, emotional companionship, sexual attraction, and the fear of losing everything.
The most honest thought I’ve had is that if I knew everyone would accept me and nothing in my life would be destroyed, I think I might call myself gay. But the possibility of losing my wife, family, faith community, or current life frightens me so much that even calling myself bisexual feels terrifying. I also don’t want to convince myself I’m gay based only on fantasies or temporarily reinterpret my entire marriage while I’m overwhelmed.
I’m working with a therapist and trying to understand this without rushing myself, but I would appreciate perspectives from gay or bisexual men—especially anyone who realized this while married to a woman.
How did you distinguish bisexuality with a strong preference for men from being gay but still capable of loving and sometimes having sex with a woman? Can love and attachment make a mixed-orientation marriage workable, or does trying to preserve it usually cause more pain later? What should I carefully consider before talking to my wife?
I’m not looking for someone online to assign me a label. I’m trying to understand what these patterns may mean and how to be honest without making a rushed decision that hurts the person I love.
TL;DR: I love my wife and don’t want to lose our marriage, but my strongest and most natural sexual attraction appears to be toward men. I’m questioning whether I’m bisexual with a strong preference or gay and deeply emotionally attached to my wife. I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar.
#lifestyle
source
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