19, probably a lesbian, and I don't know what to do with…
0 reactions
19, probably a lesbian, and I don't know what to do with that realization
I'm 19 and I've recently realized that I'm probably a lesbian. I've known for a little over a month, and I haven't told anyone in my life.
Before I continue, I wanted to mention that this story deals with some of the impacts of closed minded conservative and religious views.
I grew up in a very conservative Christian family and community. My parents have openly hostile attitudes toward gay people, and I've heard family members describe gay people as disgusting, stupid, or sinful. Because of that, coming out doesn't feel like a simple "tell my parents when I'm ready" situation. I'm genuinely afraid that some of the people closest to me would see me differently or even stop seeing me as the person they know.
The strange thing is that I spent most of my life assuming I was straight. I never had a boyfriend, and I've never really been attracted to guys. When people asked me which guys I liked, I'd make excuses about not being interested in dating or not knowing any guys I liked. I could recognize that a man was conventionally attractive, but never had crushes on any of them.
I just assumed I didn't experience attraction as intensely as other people.
Then I watched Arcane for the first time. I expected to tolerate the relationship between Cait and Vi because it was part of the story, but instead I found myself genuinely rooting for them and getting butterflies. It was actually the first time I'd ever experienced that kind of reaction to a fictional relationship. No onscreen heterosexual relationship has ever made me feel that way.
Then I started thinking about other things from my life. I remembered having crushes on girls when I was very young, before I even understood what those feelings meant. I remembered thinking certain girls were beautiful and wanting to be around them constantly. I also started realizing that some things I'd always assumed were just quirks, like being unusually uncomfortable with physical closeness around girls, might have had another explanation.
The biggest realization was probably that when I imagine kissing a guy, I feel absolutely nothing. When I imagine the same thing with a woman, that's, well... very different.
I know a TV show didn't "make me gay." It just gave me the context to realize how I actually feel and made it so that I couldn't explain those feelings away anymore.
Right now I feel like I'm living as the same person everyone has always known while privately carrying this huge realization that nobody else knows about. Part of me feels like a fake version of myself, even though I know my personality, values, friendships, and relationships haven't suddenly changed.
I have one best friend I've been extremely close to for years, and she's probably the person I'd trust most. But she has also expressed that she doesn't believe gay relationships are right. I don't think she'd respond with outright hostility, but I'm terrified that telling her could change our friendship forever. We trust each other so much and have always been able to look to each other for support, both emotionally and physically. But I'm afraid that if she knew I was attracted to women, she might suddenly worry that I've been interpreting ordinary affection differently. And I can honestly say that I've never viewed her that way.
So for now I'm keeping this to myself.
I just need somewhere I can vent about this. I want to tell someone, but it feels like there is no one in my life I can be honest with. I know this is a safe community to share in, so it felt like the best choice.
#lifestyle
source
I'm 19 and I've recently realized that I'm probably a lesbian. I've known for a little over a month, and I haven't told anyone in my life.
Before I continue, I wanted to mention that this story deals with some of the impacts of closed minded conservative and religious views.
I grew up in a very conservative Christian family and community. My parents have openly hostile attitudes toward gay people, and I've heard family members describe gay people as disgusting, stupid, or sinful. Because of that, coming out doesn't feel like a simple "tell my parents when I'm ready" situation. I'm genuinely afraid that some of the people closest to me would see me differently or even stop seeing me as the person they know.
The strange thing is that I spent most of my life assuming I was straight. I never had a boyfriend, and I've never really been attracted to guys. When people asked me which guys I liked, I'd make excuses about not being interested in dating or not knowing any guys I liked. I could recognize that a man was conventionally attractive, but never had crushes on any of them.
I just assumed I didn't experience attraction as intensely as other people.
Then I watched Arcane for the first time. I expected to tolerate the relationship between Cait and Vi because it was part of the story, but instead I found myself genuinely rooting for them and getting butterflies. It was actually the first time I'd ever experienced that kind of reaction to a fictional relationship. No onscreen heterosexual relationship has ever made me feel that way.
Then I started thinking about other things from my life. I remembered having crushes on girls when I was very young, before I even understood what those feelings meant. I remembered thinking certain girls were beautiful and wanting to be around them constantly. I also started realizing that some things I'd always assumed were just quirks, like being unusually uncomfortable with physical closeness around girls, might have had another explanation.
The biggest realization was probably that when I imagine kissing a guy, I feel absolutely nothing. When I imagine the same thing with a woman, that's, well... very different.
I know a TV show didn't "make me gay." It just gave me the context to realize how I actually feel and made it so that I couldn't explain those feelings away anymore.
Right now I feel like I'm living as the same person everyone has always known while privately carrying this huge realization that nobody else knows about. Part of me feels like a fake version of myself, even though I know my personality, values, friendships, and relationships haven't suddenly changed.
I have one best friend I've been extremely close to for years, and she's probably the person I'd trust most. But she has also expressed that she doesn't believe gay relationships are right. I don't think she'd respond with outright hostility, but I'm terrified that telling her could change our friendship forever. We trust each other so much and have always been able to look to each other for support, both emotionally and physically. But I'm afraid that if she knew I was attracted to women, she might suddenly worry that I've been interpreting ordinary affection differently. And I can honestly say that I've never viewed her that way.
So for now I'm keeping this to myself.
I just need somewhere I can vent about this. I want to tell someone, but it feels like there is no one in my life I can be honest with. I know this is a safe community to share in, so it felt like the best choice.
#lifestyle
source
| 4,000 mlx | |
| 6 | |
| 0 |