1CmGHP629LQCwtBsPtLd5bC4o82DFCVjuC0a015WcdWwYqGyRGdp3BmWc7rEyADG1h8UQot
|
I started a poetry club in prison
It had prose and cons.
I started a poetry club in prison
It had prose and cons.
Request - Wedding Jokes
I am attending a wedding tomorrow. I want the best groaners you have.
Request - Wedding Jokes
I am attending a wedding tomorrow. I want the best groaners you have.
What's the difference between an owl, a piano, and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
What's the difference between an owl, a piano, and a fish?
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
My wife bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
My wife bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
An oldman was lying is his bed dying when he smelled his favorite cookies. He rolled out of bed and crawled into the kitchen. He picked up a cookie with all of his strength but....
His wife smacked his hand with the spatula and said, "what are you doin? Those are for the funeral..."
An oldman was lying is his bed dying when he smelled his favorite cookies. He rolled out of bed and crawled into the kitchen. He picked up a cookie with all of his strength but....
His wife smacked his hand with the spatula and said, "what are you doin? Those are for the funeral..."
Do you know what DNA stands for?
National Dyslexics Association
Do you know what DNA stands for?
National Dyslexics Association
Women should not have children after 36.
Really, 36 children are enough.
Women should not have children after 36.
Really, 36 children are enough.
I entered a palindrome contest.
I got top spot.
I entered a palindrome contest.
I got top spot.
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who *or what* could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
**"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"**
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood!
It was TRUE! The house really *was* haunted!
**"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"**
Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin!
Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze.
Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror!
Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER!
**"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOoo"**
The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again.
The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again.
The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit.
And the coffin stopped.
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them....
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!
Wife: No, you're not.
Wife: I'm pregnant.
Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!
Wife: No, you're not.
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.
What do you call someone who challenges Mike Tyson to a fight?
An ambulance
What do you call someone who challenges Mike Tyson to a fight?
An ambulance
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!
My printer’s name is Bob Marley
It always Be Jammin’
My printer’s name is Bob Marley
It always Be Jammin’
If judging people for their race is racism, then what is judging people for their grades in school?
Marxism.
If judging people for their race is racism, then what is judging people for their grades in school?
Marxism.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette
Last month, my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed.
Since then, things have been…. Rocky between us.
Last month, my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone pillow and put it in the middle of the bed.
Since then, things have been…. Rocky between us.
Hugh Jackman stopped a serial arsonist from burning down another local flower shop.
Proving once again that only Hugh can prevent florist fires.
Hugh Jackman stopped a serial arsonist from burning down another local flower shop.
Proving once again that only Hugh can prevent florist fires.