Why do i get in the way of my own happiness? For the…
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Why do i get in the way of my own happiness?
For the longest time, i’ve wanted to make a video game. Nothing flashy, simply a visual novel, and i wouldnt even mind paying for the art. My issue is…i just cant work on it. I start to draw the characters i need for reference and i give up. I try and learn to code, get frustrated that i cant draw what i have in my head or figure out how to code correctly and give up. All i feel like i do lately is give up.
I dont know if i dont have the patience anymore, i cant even finish games i’ve bought because i just dont feel the motivation to finish them. Same with manga, tv shows/anime, hell even relationships i’ve let suffer because of my ineptitude.
I didnt use to be like this, i could draw and be happy for hours, sure i’d get upset but at least i’d make an attempt to finish what i’ve started. Now? I just dont know why, but i cant finish a thing i start, and it’s started to spiral down into a depression.
Why even start anything if you know you wont finish? Why try and do anything when you wont get noticed? Why try and make any attempt when my own brain constantly attacks itself over every little detail and flings me into a spiral of self doubt and hatred.
It’s to the point that i’ve become severely mentally unwell. I hate myself constantly, dont take care of myself, neglect what’s important. I dont want to blame it on something else because when it gets down to it, my own frustration is what drives me to just quit, it’s my own fault that i hate myself.
I’m just so tired of it all. It isnt a growing up issue, i dont believe so, i can function perfectly at work or at home when chores need done or bills need paid. At a certain point, i wonder if i even should have had that dream of making a game or a story to begin with. Maybe i just dont deserve to follow my dream, someone with a lot more skill and talent would take my place, and in the end, i feel like i’ll scoot on by in life and make nothing of myself and die forgotten. Not even a ripple in the pond of life, and i’ll be insignificant.
I dont want to be famous, i dont even want to be popular, i just want to make something others will enjoy, but i just keep ruining every chance i take at it, and i dont know why. I cant even eat anymore from it all, and i just want to sleep it all away forever. At least in my dreams i can do something interesting, but in life? I’m not able to do anything. I cant ask for help, if i do i would feel like a burden. I can watch as many tutorials as i want and still feel like i’ve learned nothing.
I’m sorry, i dont mean to sound so negative about myself, but at a certain point, these are my own thoughts about myself. I dont speak to a therapist, i cant afford one, and i dont want to burden my friends with my troubles. I’ve even debated just walking away from them too and let them move on to something better.
Why do i do this? Why do i hate myself so much that i get in the way of my own dreams? What did i do or what could have i done to ruin myself like this? I’m just tired all the time, either emotionally, mentally or physically, and i just want what normal people have. How can so many others end up doing such amazing things and even when forcing myself to power through the hateful things in my head, do i hate my own work and my own ideas? Why waste time when i could be doing something to work towards my dream? Am i lazy? Am i sick? I just dont understand, and at a certain point, i just feel like i want to throw the towel in on everything and run away from everyone and everything and leave myself to rot away alone somewhere.
#inspiration
source
For the longest time, i’ve wanted to make a video game. Nothing flashy, simply a visual novel, and i wouldnt even mind paying for the art. My issue is…i just cant work on it. I start to draw the characters i need for reference and i give up. I try and learn to code, get frustrated that i cant draw what i have in my head or figure out how to code correctly and give up. All i feel like i do lately is give up.
I dont know if i dont have the patience anymore, i cant even finish games i’ve bought because i just dont feel the motivation to finish them. Same with manga, tv shows/anime, hell even relationships i’ve let suffer because of my ineptitude.
I didnt use to be like this, i could draw and be happy for hours, sure i’d get upset but at least i’d make an attempt to finish what i’ve started. Now? I just dont know why, but i cant finish a thing i start, and it’s started to spiral down into a depression.
Why even start anything if you know you wont finish? Why try and do anything when you wont get noticed? Why try and make any attempt when my own brain constantly attacks itself over every little detail and flings me into a spiral of self doubt and hatred.
It’s to the point that i’ve become severely mentally unwell. I hate myself constantly, dont take care of myself, neglect what’s important. I dont want to blame it on something else because when it gets down to it, my own frustration is what drives me to just quit, it’s my own fault that i hate myself.
I’m just so tired of it all. It isnt a growing up issue, i dont believe so, i can function perfectly at work or at home when chores need done or bills need paid. At a certain point, i wonder if i even should have had that dream of making a game or a story to begin with. Maybe i just dont deserve to follow my dream, someone with a lot more skill and talent would take my place, and in the end, i feel like i’ll scoot on by in life and make nothing of myself and die forgotten. Not even a ripple in the pond of life, and i’ll be insignificant.
I dont want to be famous, i dont even want to be popular, i just want to make something others will enjoy, but i just keep ruining every chance i take at it, and i dont know why. I cant even eat anymore from it all, and i just want to sleep it all away forever. At least in my dreams i can do something interesting, but in life? I’m not able to do anything. I cant ask for help, if i do i would feel like a burden. I can watch as many tutorials as i want and still feel like i’ve learned nothing.
I’m sorry, i dont mean to sound so negative about myself, but at a certain point, these are my own thoughts about myself. I dont speak to a therapist, i cant afford one, and i dont want to burden my friends with my troubles. I’ve even debated just walking away from them too and let them move on to something better.
Why do i do this? Why do i hate myself so much that i get in the way of my own dreams? What did i do or what could have i done to ruin myself like this? I’m just tired all the time, either emotionally, mentally or physically, and i just want what normal people have. How can so many others end up doing such amazing things and even when forcing myself to power through the hateful things in my head, do i hate my own work and my own ideas? Why waste time when i could be doing something to work towards my dream? Am i lazy? Am i sick? I just dont understand, and at a certain point, i just feel like i want to throw the towel in on everything and run away from everyone and everything and leave myself to rot away alone somewhere.
#inspiration
source
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