I have never made a genuine connection with anyone I’ve…
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I have never made a genuine connection with anyone
I’ve never shaken the feeling of being an alien in a crowd of human beings, because it seems like “real human beings” are able to make deep connections with enough time.
This was an issue even when I was younger. In grade school, the concept of playing with my friends after school didn’t exist to me. I had seen other kids in the neighborhood and friend groups in TV shows do this, but it never occurred to me that I could do the same. Playdates on weekends were scarce, and this only worsened when I became a high schooler. I apparently came off quite cold, and I’d lose friends of years the moment I stopped reaching out to them. I had a friend who was often approached and complimented by other peers, and seemed to not struggle at all to keep friends. We figured it was because she had a naturally mellow look to her face, which made her more approachable. But I’ve seen plenty of people since then that come off the same way I do, that don’t seem to struggle at all to be involved by many groups of people.
I found myself feeling incredibly lonely as I became older, and wanted to change how I lived my life in isolation when I reached university. I tried to laugh and smile more and soften my harsh habits of speech. Statistically, I was talking to more people and seemed to make a better first impression. But I still wasn’t making any communication over text, nor was I getting invited to anything past the initial meeting. I’d meet some mutual friends, try to be good company, remember to include people in conversation, and find nobody asking about me afterwards. I’ve made my face known without any progress in my social life.
After I got really depressed and stopped going on my phone, I found it even harder to break the wall between me and other people. I have some friends in my major I sit with almost every other day at the library (my field works us quite hard), and still never feel truly close to. We joke around, do work, celebrate after a difficult task, but don’t spend any time with each other outside of the school setting. To me, these are the people I spend the most time with. I know they always make closer friends and spend more time with other people, and I just wonder how they’re able to make genuine connections so easily.
I’m starting to be unable to look people in the eyes when I talk, and I’m worried I’ll let this fester to a point of no return. Is it my understanding of “good company” being wrong? Is there a foundational step-by-step to making connection I’m not seeing? I don’t even know what to ask myself anymore for internal reflection.
#relationships
source
I’ve never shaken the feeling of being an alien in a crowd of human beings, because it seems like “real human beings” are able to make deep connections with enough time.
This was an issue even when I was younger. In grade school, the concept of playing with my friends after school didn’t exist to me. I had seen other kids in the neighborhood and friend groups in TV shows do this, but it never occurred to me that I could do the same. Playdates on weekends were scarce, and this only worsened when I became a high schooler. I apparently came off quite cold, and I’d lose friends of years the moment I stopped reaching out to them. I had a friend who was often approached and complimented by other peers, and seemed to not struggle at all to keep friends. We figured it was because she had a naturally mellow look to her face, which made her more approachable. But I’ve seen plenty of people since then that come off the same way I do, that don’t seem to struggle at all to be involved by many groups of people.
I found myself feeling incredibly lonely as I became older, and wanted to change how I lived my life in isolation when I reached university. I tried to laugh and smile more and soften my harsh habits of speech. Statistically, I was talking to more people and seemed to make a better first impression. But I still wasn’t making any communication over text, nor was I getting invited to anything past the initial meeting. I’d meet some mutual friends, try to be good company, remember to include people in conversation, and find nobody asking about me afterwards. I’ve made my face known without any progress in my social life.
After I got really depressed and stopped going on my phone, I found it even harder to break the wall between me and other people. I have some friends in my major I sit with almost every other day at the library (my field works us quite hard), and still never feel truly close to. We joke around, do work, celebrate after a difficult task, but don’t spend any time with each other outside of the school setting. To me, these are the people I spend the most time with. I know they always make closer friends and spend more time with other people, and I just wonder how they’re able to make genuine connections so easily.
I’m starting to be unable to look people in the eyes when I talk, and I’m worried I’ll let this fester to a point of no return. Is it my understanding of “good company” being wrong? Is there a foundational step-by-step to making connection I’m not seeing? I don’t even know what to ask myself anymore for internal reflection.
#relationships
source
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