Interaction with people scares me and stresses me out but…
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Interaction with people scares me and stresses me out but I crave it at the same time
I hate myself for this. I crave connection whenever I'm lonely, but when I get it... especially irl. When I get the opportunity to talk to someone, I fumble like a bitch. I've made a few friends before, but lost them because of my...well...stupid hangups. Or they left me because of my mental shit.
I hate talking to someone every day. Yes, when I do talk, I am passionate (at least I try to be) engaging, bringing up a bunch of topics at once to make it interesting, asking someone about their day...etc. But it requires a lot of mental energy and most of the time, I'm just horribly miserable. I know if I show this misery, they will get tired of me and leave me, it's not for them to handle, I'm unhinged. I don't want to constantly whine about my pathetic life, and sometimes, that's all I'm in the mood for. And I cannot handle overthinking, anxiety and constant pressure to carry the conversation while wondering if I'm forcing them to talk to me, what do they feel, what do they think, if they'll get mad at me...all of that. Interactions just make me feel extremely stressed out, but I also crave it sometimes.
It's rare that I find a person that doesn't make me so anxious that I throw up from overthinking or cry really hard. I prefer texting for that reason, I can close the messages, breathe, regulate...irl if I get overwhelmed, while trying not to cry or seem weird I might start laughing my ass off hysterically. Idk how this happens but it's embarrassing. Like my chest feels tight, my heartbeat feels fast and loud, and I feel hot all over. If someone is nice to me over text that happens too, but I can manage it without them noticing. So it's fine.
But irl...I don't know how to do it without showing that I'm freaking out. So I don't know if I articulated it well, but that's why I struggle to make and keep friends, along with my usual awkwardness, inability to understand social cues, ugliness, past bullying and my need to be completely alone sometimes.
So just to write a list. I don't know how to manage friendship because:
1. I need alone time because interaction makes me extremely anxious and drained, even when I want it
2. People get mad at me for that, for not responding fast enough and they leave me
3. I have too many mental issues and misery periods where I cannot talk to anyone are there
4. I struggle with communication irl
5. I am extremely self conscious and I hate myself because I'm like this, but I can't fix it.
Help me out here?
#relationships
source
I hate myself for this. I crave connection whenever I'm lonely, but when I get it... especially irl. When I get the opportunity to talk to someone, I fumble like a bitch. I've made a few friends before, but lost them because of my...well...stupid hangups. Or they left me because of my mental shit.
I hate talking to someone every day. Yes, when I do talk, I am passionate (at least I try to be) engaging, bringing up a bunch of topics at once to make it interesting, asking someone about their day...etc. But it requires a lot of mental energy and most of the time, I'm just horribly miserable. I know if I show this misery, they will get tired of me and leave me, it's not for them to handle, I'm unhinged. I don't want to constantly whine about my pathetic life, and sometimes, that's all I'm in the mood for. And I cannot handle overthinking, anxiety and constant pressure to carry the conversation while wondering if I'm forcing them to talk to me, what do they feel, what do they think, if they'll get mad at me...all of that. Interactions just make me feel extremely stressed out, but I also crave it sometimes.
It's rare that I find a person that doesn't make me so anxious that I throw up from overthinking or cry really hard. I prefer texting for that reason, I can close the messages, breathe, regulate...irl if I get overwhelmed, while trying not to cry or seem weird I might start laughing my ass off hysterically. Idk how this happens but it's embarrassing. Like my chest feels tight, my heartbeat feels fast and loud, and I feel hot all over. If someone is nice to me over text that happens too, but I can manage it without them noticing. So it's fine.
But irl...I don't know how to do it without showing that I'm freaking out. So I don't know if I articulated it well, but that's why I struggle to make and keep friends, along with my usual awkwardness, inability to understand social cues, ugliness, past bullying and my need to be completely alone sometimes.
So just to write a list. I don't know how to manage friendship because:
1. I need alone time because interaction makes me extremely anxious and drained, even when I want it
2. People get mad at me for that, for not responding fast enough and they leave me
3. I have too many mental issues and misery periods where I cannot talk to anyone are there
4. I struggle with communication irl
5. I am extremely self conscious and I hate myself because I'm like this, but I can't fix it.
Help me out here?
#relationships
source
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