My kids don’t fit in with the neighbourhood kids and it…
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My kids don’t fit in with the neighbourhood kids and it makes me feel terrible.
Editing this higher up because I didn’t include some details and some of my family’s context is not clear and therefore misunderstood:
I’m fluent in Swiss German and high German, my husband is bilingual, I moved to the country in 2009, my eldest goes to mainstream public school and all his activities are in the local language- my youngest went to bilingual preschool and starts mainstream public education in August.
Some context: We're an English-speaking family in Switzerland (Canadian mom, husband grew up here). I'm a typical primary school teacher in a lot of ways: outgoing, friendly, I plan the neighbourhood Halloween party, the Easter egg hunt, water plants for the neighbours when they are away- that kind of person.
My sons are 8 and 4. My 8-year-old has dyspraxia/DCD (his dad does too) and he's great at math and sports, but struggles with German and has a small friend group. He's also for context not a conflict kid. He avoids teasing and hates games like cops and robbers, prefers playing by the rules. His teacher describes him as "a good judge of character." My 4 year old understands German but doesn't speak it much yet, for complicated and unfortunate daycare-related reasons- he starts kindergarten in August in the public school where my eldest goes, and all the local kids too. He’s keen to speak German though and is a little more outgoing and easy going than my eldest. They love playing with each other.
We live in a lovely ground-floor apartment in a new-build neighborhood. We moved in in 2023. Our flat is smaller than most of the surrounding homes, which are quite fancy. This fact honestly does bother me more than I'd like to admit and I feel ashamed of that. About 10 families share our communal courtyard, playground, and pathways.
The neighbourhood kids range from 1 to 8 (plus one 12-year-old), heavily boy-skewed. I’d say that there’s 1 other family besides us which isn’t integrated. Once I sent a message on the neighbourhood app about kids constantly urinating on one of the pathways (when it happened multiple times and I had already told the individual parents but their kids kept doing it and it became kids from more and more families) and the dad told me that he appreciated it. I never see their kids playing outside unless supervised by their parents. Most kids are unsupervised when playing outside- this isn’t entirely uncommon in this country, though I’d say that these children truly do not deserve this kind of independence and are very young- most were outside playing this way from when we moved in, so they were as young as 3. But I’m jumping ahead if myself.
The neighborhood kids play rough and are mostly unsupervised in the afternoons- I used to intervene (stopping theft, tending to unsupervised toddlers who got hurt, stopping them damage and destroy communal toys) but stopped because I felt like the self-appointed neighborhood cop and found it very unpleasant.
My kids have tried to join in, mostly due to me encouraging them. Sometimes it works but usually doesn’t. My kids, especially my eldest, would love a version of these games without the meanness, but that's not how these kids play. I've spent years trying to make him more assertive ("snatch it back," "hit them back")- it's just not who he is. I also know that my eldest son’s neurodiversity is a factor here as well.
It's just painful watching these kids play together all afternoon while my boys sometimes avoid going outside just to avoid them asking to play and then getting made fun of (some of the kids love beating my eldest son at sports a little too much- my eldest is quite tall and as said, he loves sports, but a kid with DCD will never be the most able on the field) or being bossed around.
I've tried playdates, but frankly many of these kids are extremely poorly behaved- money's been stolen from my kids' piggy banks, plus general rudeness and sneakiness and I don't want most of them in my home anymore. I’m done.
I confided in one neighborhood dad, who told me he prefers his (bi-racial) kids play with the "tough kids" to prepare them for future abuse they'll face. Another parent I'm close with has encouraged her kid to play with mine, which works well until more kids join and it usually tips over. Another told me to just tell her kids off when they’re being naughty.
For what it's worth, my kids aren't devastated by any of this- they mostly play happily with each other and get annoyed rather than hurt when games fall apart. I'm the one who finds it sad and I spend a lot of time thinking about it. It makes me want to move. I wish I had a place more private- but in this country, private space is an expensive privilege- and does it even really help my kids if we move just to get away from some badly behaved neighbours? For more private space we’d have to change villages- changing my son’s school and activities. For more context, our apartment backs directly onto the communal space, so there's no real escape. I've started asking parents to keep kids away from playing on the pathways bordering our place on the other two sides, but it's tricky because they’re unsupervised and it feels awkward telling them to not play on the pathways- even though there is ample play and communal space otherwise.
I keep my sons busy (3 sports a week, playgrounds), but I can't be out of the house every single afternoon.
What would you do here? Is there anything that sounds like it could be salvaged? Or is it more a matter of accepting this isn't going to be "their crowd" and continuing to build their social world elsewhere? Do I need a stern talking to because I’m obviously the problem (said quite directly because sometimes I feel like I must be).
#relationships
source
Editing this higher up because I didn’t include some details and some of my family’s context is not clear and therefore misunderstood:
I’m fluent in Swiss German and high German, my husband is bilingual, I moved to the country in 2009, my eldest goes to mainstream public school and all his activities are in the local language- my youngest went to bilingual preschool and starts mainstream public education in August.
Some context: We're an English-speaking family in Switzerland (Canadian mom, husband grew up here). I'm a typical primary school teacher in a lot of ways: outgoing, friendly, I plan the neighbourhood Halloween party, the Easter egg hunt, water plants for the neighbours when they are away- that kind of person.
My sons are 8 and 4. My 8-year-old has dyspraxia/DCD (his dad does too) and he's great at math and sports, but struggles with German and has a small friend group. He's also for context not a conflict kid. He avoids teasing and hates games like cops and robbers, prefers playing by the rules. His teacher describes him as "a good judge of character." My 4 year old understands German but doesn't speak it much yet, for complicated and unfortunate daycare-related reasons- he starts kindergarten in August in the public school where my eldest goes, and all the local kids too. He’s keen to speak German though and is a little more outgoing and easy going than my eldest. They love playing with each other.
We live in a lovely ground-floor apartment in a new-build neighborhood. We moved in in 2023. Our flat is smaller than most of the surrounding homes, which are quite fancy. This fact honestly does bother me more than I'd like to admit and I feel ashamed of that. About 10 families share our communal courtyard, playground, and pathways.
The neighbourhood kids range from 1 to 8 (plus one 12-year-old), heavily boy-skewed. I’d say that there’s 1 other family besides us which isn’t integrated. Once I sent a message on the neighbourhood app about kids constantly urinating on one of the pathways (when it happened multiple times and I had already told the individual parents but their kids kept doing it and it became kids from more and more families) and the dad told me that he appreciated it. I never see their kids playing outside unless supervised by their parents. Most kids are unsupervised when playing outside- this isn’t entirely uncommon in this country, though I’d say that these children truly do not deserve this kind of independence and are very young- most were outside playing this way from when we moved in, so they were as young as 3. But I’m jumping ahead if myself.
The neighborhood kids play rough and are mostly unsupervised in the afternoons- I used to intervene (stopping theft, tending to unsupervised toddlers who got hurt, stopping them damage and destroy communal toys) but stopped because I felt like the self-appointed neighborhood cop and found it very unpleasant.
My kids have tried to join in, mostly due to me encouraging them. Sometimes it works but usually doesn’t. My kids, especially my eldest, would love a version of these games without the meanness, but that's not how these kids play. I've spent years trying to make him more assertive ("snatch it back," "hit them back")- it's just not who he is. I also know that my eldest son’s neurodiversity is a factor here as well.
It's just painful watching these kids play together all afternoon while my boys sometimes avoid going outside just to avoid them asking to play and then getting made fun of (some of the kids love beating my eldest son at sports a little too much- my eldest is quite tall and as said, he loves sports, but a kid with DCD will never be the most able on the field) or being bossed around.
I've tried playdates, but frankly many of these kids are extremely poorly behaved- money's been stolen from my kids' piggy banks, plus general rudeness and sneakiness and I don't want most of them in my home anymore. I’m done.
I confided in one neighborhood dad, who told me he prefers his (bi-racial) kids play with the "tough kids" to prepare them for future abuse they'll face. Another parent I'm close with has encouraged her kid to play with mine, which works well until more kids join and it usually tips over. Another told me to just tell her kids off when they’re being naughty.
For what it's worth, my kids aren't devastated by any of this- they mostly play happily with each other and get annoyed rather than hurt when games fall apart. I'm the one who finds it sad and I spend a lot of time thinking about it. It makes me want to move. I wish I had a place more private- but in this country, private space is an expensive privilege- and does it even really help my kids if we move just to get away from some badly behaved neighbours? For more private space we’d have to change villages- changing my son’s school and activities. For more context, our apartment backs directly onto the communal space, so there's no real escape. I've started asking parents to keep kids away from playing on the pathways bordering our place on the other two sides, but it's tricky because they’re unsupervised and it feels awkward telling them to not play on the pathways- even though there is ample play and communal space otherwise.
I keep my sons busy (3 sports a week, playgrounds), but I can't be out of the house every single afternoon.
What would you do here? Is there anything that sounds like it could be salvaged? Or is it more a matter of accepting this isn't going to be "their crowd" and continuing to build their social world elsewhere? Do I need a stern talking to because I’m obviously the problem (said quite directly because sometimes I feel like I must be).
#relationships
source
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