r a brighter future, when you’ve already been through so…
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r a brighter future, when you’ve already been through so much?
Recently I basically lost everything and had to start over. I know I’m only 22, but it was a lot. I had to leave my partner of 3.5 years, leave all my belongings, all of my friends, my home city for the last 4 years, and run away back to my parents hometown.
I’m safe, but mentally, I’m in absolute shit. And my current logistics don’t look good. Asides from the breakup itself being absolutely awful - I’ll leave the story in a comment if anyone’s interested - I’m just not where I want to be at all. I have a diploma in fashion, I was going to stay in my city and continue to a bachelors, and I’ve had 4 years of rocky employment in basic customer service. I was living in a vibrant, busy city, with friends and fun.
Now, although I am obviously safe, I’m somewhere where my degree is absolutely useless, in a rural country town. I have no car or license (specifically moved to a city at 19 where I wouldn’t need one). I also have absolutely no savings, I had to spend the last of it to get here. If I want to get back on my feet, and build myself a bright future that I really want - my own apartment, in an even bigger city like NYC, where I have lots more career options - I have to go through shit, and work a stupid job I don’t want, in a town where I don’t want to be.
Worst of all, and I know this is stupid ex stuff, but it just feels humiliating that I have to start over like this, while my ex gets to continue his life like nothing happened. He already got with someone (although they did just breakup) immediately after the breakup, and it genuinely kills my soul knowing that he gets to spend the next few months hooking up with people and hanging out with his friends, while I’m stuck alone in a town I hate.
I know that I really don’t have a choice right now though. I just need to get it done. But how do I motivate myself for this? My own mom says I haven’t smiled in over a week now, and it’s true. Nothing is making me happy, I am so depressed. I’ve really just lost everything at such a young age, and have to start over. I’m not su!c!dal, but I am waking up every morning wishing I had never been born.
Please, help me find the motivation. I really need it right now.
#inspiration
source tervåg — Not enough
#music My Sister Miley
The things I'm about to discuss are things that I've never shared with anyone other than my therapist. In fact, there are things in here that I've never shared with anyone.
Most people who know me know that I had a sister named Miley. I was four when she was born and I remember never really being that excited for my parents to have another kid. Honestly, I enjoyed being an only child and the thought that another baby would come in to disrupt that way of life irked me. Naturally, with her being the younger sibling, and a girl at that, my parents doted upon her. Such should be expected with a little sister, but I wasn't having it. I know every kid hates their younger sibling at some point or another, but I REALLY hated her. I did everything I could to avoid her, fought with her night and day, the whole thing. "Zachy." That was what she called me. God, it annoyed me.
My parents were also pretty strict about me bringing her everywhere and including her when I would hang out with my friends, and that just got on my nerves even more. One of our favorite tricks was to tell her we'd play hide and seek, let her hide, and then leave her behind. She'd come to us an hour or so later with a tear-stained face and a pouty lip, but I never regretted a bit of it. I just wanted to get away from her.
A few years later in July, I was ten and Miley was six. I wanted to go play in the woods. "Make sure you take Miley with you," my parents said, as always. So, of course, I did. We wandered out into the woods far enough that we could no longer see the light from our house. It was almost pitch black but eventually our eyes adjusted to the darkness. Miley was walking at my side, wrapped around my arm.
"Zachy, I'm scared. I want to go home."
"Shut up, we'll be fine," I said coldy.
"Zachy, we can play whatever you want to play. I just want to go back inside."
"Be quiet, I want to explore."
She let out a whimper of fear but conceded to my bullying and stayed quiet. Eventually, we came upon an old shack. It was hardly larger than a tool shed or an old outhouse. How it was still standing, I had no idea. It was ancient, made of now-rotting wood. I went to take a closer look.
"No, Zach, no!" Miley cried, tugging on my arm.
"Calm down, it's just an old shed. Look!" I wrenched my arm free of her grasp and went inside. Standing in the dark, stinking shed, I looked out of the doorway at her.
"See, Miley? It's nothing. Come on in! It's fine!" I was chuckling at this point, both to comfort her and to mock her.
Miley started walking to me when suddenly, we heard a moan. A grating, creaking moan that sounded impossible for a human to make but unmistakably alive.
We both screamed and took off running as fast we could back home. And here's the part I've never told anyone. As I reached Miley, I looked behind me and saw a hulking dark figure of indescernible form bounding behind us. It couldn't have been a man. It couldn't have been a bear or a wolf. To this day, I don't have any idea what it was and feel that I'm better off not knowing. Eventually, I passed Miley and kept running as fast as my legs could take me. Behind me, I could hear her yelling.
"Wait, Zach! Don't leave me, Zachy! I'm scared! Help me! Zachy!"
But I didn't stop running. I didn't slow down. I didn't even look back behind me until I made it to our back porch and saw that Miley was gone. Against every instinct my body was throwing at me, I stepped back out into the woods, shaking like a leaf, and called her name. Nothing. No creature, no Miley. I started to cry. For the first time in my life, I wanted her. I wanted her back. I don't know if I was afraid of what my parents would do if they found out I lost her or if this was the moment I grew up and realized that somewhere inside me was a love for my sister. But no matter how loud I screamed, cried, and begged, there was only silence accompanied by the rustling of the leaves and squirrels scurrying across branches.
Eventually, my parents heard the noise and came out, asking first if I was okay and then where Miley was. To this day, it stabs me in my heart that they asked about me first. And even in my shame and regret, I couldn't bear to tell them what had really happened. Nor did I think they would believe me anyway. I simply told them that Miley had run off into the woods while we were playing and that I couldn't find her. My parents never harbored any resentment towards me. They always told me that it wasn't my fault, that I did the best I could and how proud they were of me for looking out for my sister. But they didn't know the truth. And they never learned.
When I was 14, I was staying over at a friend's house while my parents went out on a date. On their way home, they were hit by a drunk driver. Neither of them made it. I went to live with my Mom's parents and my parents died without ever finding out what really happened to their daughter.
I'm now 27 and I've never gotten over it. I've dreamt about it multiple times a week ever since. Even during the day, the thought would always come up to ruin whatever fun I could manage to have. For a while, I was trying drugs and booze but I eventually gave in to my family's pleas and quit. Of course, it never worked anyway, but especially after I quit, the dreams got worse.
In the past three years or so, I've been having a recurring dream. I'm at the shack, and Miley is standing there beside it, looking exactly as she did on the night I left her behind. These dreams kept getting more and more frequent until I was losing so much sleep that I had to drop out of school. But they never went away.
About a month ago, I had had enough and something told me there was only one way to get through this. I needed to go back.
I drove all the way from Pennsylvania back to my childhood home in South Carolina in one sweep and went straight to my old house. I didn't bother booking a hotel and I didn't pack anything. I knew I wouldn't need it and, in the off chance I died while I was down here, I didn't think it would do much good.
I arrived at my old house, now vacant. I walked around the side and climbed over the chain-link gate. Then, I pulled out a flashlight and wandered out into the woods behind the house.
I couldn't remember the way to the shack or how far it was, but I knew roughly enough what direction I needed to head in, so I just walked. And I walked. And I walked some more. Granted, I'm a bit out of shape for my age, but I wondered to myself how our little legs had carried us this far. Either that or the shack was gone and I had just wandered out into the woods looking for nothing. I decided that if I didn't find anything in the next hundred feet or so, I was going to turn back.
Just as I was ready to turn around, I saw something ahead. It was a concrete slab with some vertical planks of wood standing around the sides. The shack, or what was left of it. After all these years, it was still here. Whether it was fate or coincidence, I had, and still have, no idea. I stood there looking at it for a moment and waited. I don't know what I was waiting for, but I figured something would happen. Anything. But there was nothing.
Great, I had found the shack. Cool, I guess. While I stood there wondering why I even did this in the first place, I realized that while I had remembered the walk out to the shack pretty well, I didn't bother to make note of my new surroundings to find my way back. I pulled out my phone to try to find a path out, or at the very least call 911 if I couldn't figure out my way back, but just as the map loaded, my phone died. I was stuck. Stuck out in these woods by the remains of a creepy old shack where I would probably get eaten by a monster before I even came up with a plan to get out. Great. But, this is probably what I deserve. Only figures that after I abandoned my sister to die in these woods, that I would end up virtually doing the exact same thing to myself. Karma truly is a bitch.
So, just throwing my hands up and giving in to whatever fate awaited me, I sat down on the old foundation of the shack in silence. I don't know how long I sat staring into the trees in front of me. But at some point, I thought I heard footsteps. I jerked my head around to face whatever it was. A bear, a hiker, the monster from all those years ago? But nothing. I stared off in that direction for a minute before turning back to face forward. And then I saw her.
Miley.
She looked exactly as she did the day she disappeared. The same hair, the same clothes, the same Barbie tennis shoes.
"Hi, Zachy," she said with the perky enthusiasm all small children know.
"Wha... h-hi... Miley..." I stammered at the bottom of my voice.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Miley asked innocently.
"I... y- no, not really."
"Aww, that's sad. I'm sorry, Zachy. What's wrong?"
It took me a few minutes to process it. After 17 years, I had grown up and she still hadn't. I tried to find the words, but I couldn't. I started weeping. I collapsed on my hands and knees at her feet, wailing and sobbing.
"Miley, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I failed you. I was the worst brother ever. I should have taken you home and I left you out here to die. You wanted to go home and I just couldn't stop hating you for one second. Miley, you should be here instead of me. Why did I have to do this to you? I'm sorry, Miley."
I carried on like that for a little while. Probably only a few minutes but it wouldn't have surprised me if it was an hour. Eventually, I stopped and just kept weeping.
"It's okay, Zachy. I'm not mad."
After a minute, I sat back up to look at her.
"I... what?"
"Zachy, it's okay. I forgive you. You were mean to me, but you're my big brother and I love you."
I didn't know what to say, so I just started crying again.
"I know you've been sad, Zachy. And I always wanted to tell you you didn't have to feel bad. I don't want my big brother to be hurting."
I sniffed and smiled at her, and she smiled back at me, in such an innocent, childlike way.
"See? All better. You're all better now, right Zachy?"
All I could do was nod.
"Just promise me when you get to heaven you'll play with me lots and lots."
I smiled and hugged her. I hugged her tighter than I ever thought I could hug someone, and certainly tighter than I had ever hugged her in life.
"Yes, I promise. Whatever you want."
She let out a high-pitched giggle and I let go of her.
"The house is back over that way, Zachy," she said as she pointed off into the woods, "don't get hurt on your way back." Then she turned to face me with another smile. "Thanks for coming to see me, Zachy. I'll see you again someday, don't worry."
I collapsed to the ground again in a fit of thanking her and thanking her again, all through snot and tears. But I looked back up to see her again and she was gone.
I made my way back to the car and drove back home. I had been awake for over 36 hours by the end of it all, so I got home in a delusional stupor and collapsed onto my bed.
For the first time in seventeen years, I slept peacefully.
Miley, wherever you are, I love you. Thank you for still loving me, even after everything I did. And thank you for forgiving me. Sometimes I wonder whether I really deserved that forgiveness from you, but at the end of the day, it was your decision and not mine. I'm sorry I never wanted to be your big brother, but whenever we meet again, I promise you, I'll be the best big brother. The one you deserved but never had in your short life. And when I'm there, we can play whatever games you want, for as long as you want. And I swear, from that day on, I will never, ever let you go again.
#entertainment
source
Recently I basically lost everything and had to start over. I know I’m only 22, but it was a lot. I had to leave my partner of 3.5 years, leave all my belongings, all of my friends, my home city for the last 4 years, and run away back to my parents hometown.
I’m safe, but mentally, I’m in absolute shit. And my current logistics don’t look good. Asides from the breakup itself being absolutely awful - I’ll leave the story in a comment if anyone’s interested - I’m just not where I want to be at all. I have a diploma in fashion, I was going to stay in my city and continue to a bachelors, and I’ve had 4 years of rocky employment in basic customer service. I was living in a vibrant, busy city, with friends and fun.
Now, although I am obviously safe, I’m somewhere where my degree is absolutely useless, in a rural country town. I have no car or license (specifically moved to a city at 19 where I wouldn’t need one). I also have absolutely no savings, I had to spend the last of it to get here. If I want to get back on my feet, and build myself a bright future that I really want - my own apartment, in an even bigger city like NYC, where I have lots more career options - I have to go through shit, and work a stupid job I don’t want, in a town where I don’t want to be.
Worst of all, and I know this is stupid ex stuff, but it just feels humiliating that I have to start over like this, while my ex gets to continue his life like nothing happened. He already got with someone (although they did just breakup) immediately after the breakup, and it genuinely kills my soul knowing that he gets to spend the next few months hooking up with people and hanging out with his friends, while I’m stuck alone in a town I hate.
I know that I really don’t have a choice right now though. I just need to get it done. But how do I motivate myself for this? My own mom says I haven’t smiled in over a week now, and it’s true. Nothing is making me happy, I am so depressed. I’ve really just lost everything at such a young age, and have to start over. I’m not su!c!dal, but I am waking up every morning wishing I had never been born.
Please, help me find the motivation. I really need it right now.
#inspiration
source tervåg — Not enough
#music My Sister Miley
The things I'm about to discuss are things that I've never shared with anyone other than my therapist. In fact, there are things in here that I've never shared with anyone.
Most people who know me know that I had a sister named Miley. I was four when she was born and I remember never really being that excited for my parents to have another kid. Honestly, I enjoyed being an only child and the thought that another baby would come in to disrupt that way of life irked me. Naturally, with her being the younger sibling, and a girl at that, my parents doted upon her. Such should be expected with a little sister, but I wasn't having it. I know every kid hates their younger sibling at some point or another, but I REALLY hated her. I did everything I could to avoid her, fought with her night and day, the whole thing. "Zachy." That was what she called me. God, it annoyed me.
My parents were also pretty strict about me bringing her everywhere and including her when I would hang out with my friends, and that just got on my nerves even more. One of our favorite tricks was to tell her we'd play hide and seek, let her hide, and then leave her behind. She'd come to us an hour or so later with a tear-stained face and a pouty lip, but I never regretted a bit of it. I just wanted to get away from her.
A few years later in July, I was ten and Miley was six. I wanted to go play in the woods. "Make sure you take Miley with you," my parents said, as always. So, of course, I did. We wandered out into the woods far enough that we could no longer see the light from our house. It was almost pitch black but eventually our eyes adjusted to the darkness. Miley was walking at my side, wrapped around my arm.
"Zachy, I'm scared. I want to go home."
"Shut up, we'll be fine," I said coldy.
"Zachy, we can play whatever you want to play. I just want to go back inside."
"Be quiet, I want to explore."
She let out a whimper of fear but conceded to my bullying and stayed quiet. Eventually, we came upon an old shack. It was hardly larger than a tool shed or an old outhouse. How it was still standing, I had no idea. It was ancient, made of now-rotting wood. I went to take a closer look.
"No, Zach, no!" Miley cried, tugging on my arm.
"Calm down, it's just an old shed. Look!" I wrenched my arm free of her grasp and went inside. Standing in the dark, stinking shed, I looked out of the doorway at her.
"See, Miley? It's nothing. Come on in! It's fine!" I was chuckling at this point, both to comfort her and to mock her.
Miley started walking to me when suddenly, we heard a moan. A grating, creaking moan that sounded impossible for a human to make but unmistakably alive.
We both screamed and took off running as fast we could back home. And here's the part I've never told anyone. As I reached Miley, I looked behind me and saw a hulking dark figure of indescernible form bounding behind us. It couldn't have been a man. It couldn't have been a bear or a wolf. To this day, I don't have any idea what it was and feel that I'm better off not knowing. Eventually, I passed Miley and kept running as fast as my legs could take me. Behind me, I could hear her yelling.
"Wait, Zach! Don't leave me, Zachy! I'm scared! Help me! Zachy!"
But I didn't stop running. I didn't slow down. I didn't even look back behind me until I made it to our back porch and saw that Miley was gone. Against every instinct my body was throwing at me, I stepped back out into the woods, shaking like a leaf, and called her name. Nothing. No creature, no Miley. I started to cry. For the first time in my life, I wanted her. I wanted her back. I don't know if I was afraid of what my parents would do if they found out I lost her or if this was the moment I grew up and realized that somewhere inside me was a love for my sister. But no matter how loud I screamed, cried, and begged, there was only silence accompanied by the rustling of the leaves and squirrels scurrying across branches.
Eventually, my parents heard the noise and came out, asking first if I was okay and then where Miley was. To this day, it stabs me in my heart that they asked about me first. And even in my shame and regret, I couldn't bear to tell them what had really happened. Nor did I think they would believe me anyway. I simply told them that Miley had run off into the woods while we were playing and that I couldn't find her. My parents never harbored any resentment towards me. They always told me that it wasn't my fault, that I did the best I could and how proud they were of me for looking out for my sister. But they didn't know the truth. And they never learned.
When I was 14, I was staying over at a friend's house while my parents went out on a date. On their way home, they were hit by a drunk driver. Neither of them made it. I went to live with my Mom's parents and my parents died without ever finding out what really happened to their daughter.
I'm now 27 and I've never gotten over it. I've dreamt about it multiple times a week ever since. Even during the day, the thought would always come up to ruin whatever fun I could manage to have. For a while, I was trying drugs and booze but I eventually gave in to my family's pleas and quit. Of course, it never worked anyway, but especially after I quit, the dreams got worse.
In the past three years or so, I've been having a recurring dream. I'm at the shack, and Miley is standing there beside it, looking exactly as she did on the night I left her behind. These dreams kept getting more and more frequent until I was losing so much sleep that I had to drop out of school. But they never went away.
About a month ago, I had had enough and something told me there was only one way to get through this. I needed to go back.
I drove all the way from Pennsylvania back to my childhood home in South Carolina in one sweep and went straight to my old house. I didn't bother booking a hotel and I didn't pack anything. I knew I wouldn't need it and, in the off chance I died while I was down here, I didn't think it would do much good.
I arrived at my old house, now vacant. I walked around the side and climbed over the chain-link gate. Then, I pulled out a flashlight and wandered out into the woods behind the house.
I couldn't remember the way to the shack or how far it was, but I knew roughly enough what direction I needed to head in, so I just walked. And I walked. And I walked some more. Granted, I'm a bit out of shape for my age, but I wondered to myself how our little legs had carried us this far. Either that or the shack was gone and I had just wandered out into the woods looking for nothing. I decided that if I didn't find anything in the next hundred feet or so, I was going to turn back.
Just as I was ready to turn around, I saw something ahead. It was a concrete slab with some vertical planks of wood standing around the sides. The shack, or what was left of it. After all these years, it was still here. Whether it was fate or coincidence, I had, and still have, no idea. I stood there looking at it for a moment and waited. I don't know what I was waiting for, but I figured something would happen. Anything. But there was nothing.
Great, I had found the shack. Cool, I guess. While I stood there wondering why I even did this in the first place, I realized that while I had remembered the walk out to the shack pretty well, I didn't bother to make note of my new surroundings to find my way back. I pulled out my phone to try to find a path out, or at the very least call 911 if I couldn't figure out my way back, but just as the map loaded, my phone died. I was stuck. Stuck out in these woods by the remains of a creepy old shack where I would probably get eaten by a monster before I even came up with a plan to get out. Great. But, this is probably what I deserve. Only figures that after I abandoned my sister to die in these woods, that I would end up virtually doing the exact same thing to myself. Karma truly is a bitch.
So, just throwing my hands up and giving in to whatever fate awaited me, I sat down on the old foundation of the shack in silence. I don't know how long I sat staring into the trees in front of me. But at some point, I thought I heard footsteps. I jerked my head around to face whatever it was. A bear, a hiker, the monster from all those years ago? But nothing. I stared off in that direction for a minute before turning back to face forward. And then I saw her.
Miley.
She looked exactly as she did the day she disappeared. The same hair, the same clothes, the same Barbie tennis shoes.
"Hi, Zachy," she said with the perky enthusiasm all small children know.
"Wha... h-hi... Miley..." I stammered at the bottom of my voice.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Miley asked innocently.
"I... y- no, not really."
"Aww, that's sad. I'm sorry, Zachy. What's wrong?"
It took me a few minutes to process it. After 17 years, I had grown up and she still hadn't. I tried to find the words, but I couldn't. I started weeping. I collapsed on my hands and knees at her feet, wailing and sobbing.
"Miley, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I failed you. I was the worst brother ever. I should have taken you home and I left you out here to die. You wanted to go home and I just couldn't stop hating you for one second. Miley, you should be here instead of me. Why did I have to do this to you? I'm sorry, Miley."
I carried on like that for a little while. Probably only a few minutes but it wouldn't have surprised me if it was an hour. Eventually, I stopped and just kept weeping.
"It's okay, Zachy. I'm not mad."
After a minute, I sat back up to look at her.
"I... what?"
"Zachy, it's okay. I forgive you. You were mean to me, but you're my big brother and I love you."
I didn't know what to say, so I just started crying again.
"I know you've been sad, Zachy. And I always wanted to tell you you didn't have to feel bad. I don't want my big brother to be hurting."
I sniffed and smiled at her, and she smiled back at me, in such an innocent, childlike way.
"See? All better. You're all better now, right Zachy?"
All I could do was nod.
"Just promise me when you get to heaven you'll play with me lots and lots."
I smiled and hugged her. I hugged her tighter than I ever thought I could hug someone, and certainly tighter than I had ever hugged her in life.
"Yes, I promise. Whatever you want."
She let out a high-pitched giggle and I let go of her.
"The house is back over that way, Zachy," she said as she pointed off into the woods, "don't get hurt on your way back." Then she turned to face me with another smile. "Thanks for coming to see me, Zachy. I'll see you again someday, don't worry."
I collapsed to the ground again in a fit of thanking her and thanking her again, all through snot and tears. But I looked back up to see her again and she was gone.
I made my way back to the car and drove back home. I had been awake for over 36 hours by the end of it all, so I got home in a delusional stupor and collapsed onto my bed.
For the first time in seventeen years, I slept peacefully.
Miley, wherever you are, I love you. Thank you for still loving me, even after everything I did. And thank you for forgiving me. Sometimes I wonder whether I really deserved that forgiveness from you, but at the end of the day, it was your decision and not mine. I'm sorry I never wanted to be your big brother, but whenever we meet again, I promise you, I'll be the best big brother. The one you deserved but never had in your short life. And when I'm there, we can play whatever games you want, for as long as you want. And I swear, from that day on, I will never, ever let you go again.
#entertainment
source
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