I'm 33M, and struggle to find motivation and meaning to…
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I'm 33M, and struggle to find motivation and meaning to life.
I acknowledge that I need professional help, but always disregard it. In a way its a form of self loathing and depression. I lost my mom in 2020, dad in 2022, grandma (2nd mom) in 2024, and now my gf has less than a year. I talked with my gf's doctor in the hospital hallway, and things arent looking good. I lost all everything my dad left behind, his whole estate. I was in a dark place after losing my grandma. Smoking weed and ordering takeout 3 or 4 times a day were what made me waste alot of money. I distanced myself from family and friends, out of shame.
I feel alone eventhough my gf lives with me 3 weeks and 1 week in the hospital every month. Ive been here caretaker for about 2 years, and tbh it's draining. It reminds me of when I was growing up, I was basically my mom's unofficial caretaker and translator since the age of 10. I was my grandma's caretaker for about a year, in 2021. I feel burnt out from taking care of people. Eventhough I had my parents, I always felt borderline neglected when it it came to my needs. Always wore the same clothes until they didnt fit or were falling apart. In middle school while everyone talked about video games and the new movie that just came out, i was learning about renal disease and keeping track of my moms next appointment. No bonding moments with my dad and tbh with my mom as well. Dad would get anal about whatever random bs and go hang out with his friends every weekend. My bonding moments with my mom were at doctor appointments.
Ive always been serious, but turned into a class clown most of high school to get attention from whoever was paying attention to me. These days im just solemn. My gf is always asking me whats wrong, because I look sad and I barely talk. She understands what im going through. She's an alcoholic possibly going through alcoholic psychosis, almost any recent conversation I have with her gets forgotten. Thats why ive been soo quiet recently.
With everything I've gone through these last few years, have made it difficult for me to stay motivated and finding a reason to keep fighting the good fight. Losing all 3 parents, distancing myself from family, and knowing that my partner might die soon is a heavy weight I need to carry.
Everything i enjoy, feels meaningless. Action figure photography, cooking for others, walks, art, video games, eating, everything that I enjoy or distracts my mind feels meaningless.
What can I do to find the joy in life? Professional help would be a good start but its not going to help as much as people have told me. I tried to seek help, but all I got were pills, a pat on the back, and another appointment. I really dislike the pills, they dont make me feel anything. If I wanted to feel numb, I would rather sit in silence and stare at a wall. For anyone who went through a similar situation, how do you keep going? Losing everyone and everything from a life that seems distant now.
#inspiration
source
I acknowledge that I need professional help, but always disregard it. In a way its a form of self loathing and depression. I lost my mom in 2020, dad in 2022, grandma (2nd mom) in 2024, and now my gf has less than a year. I talked with my gf's doctor in the hospital hallway, and things arent looking good. I lost all everything my dad left behind, his whole estate. I was in a dark place after losing my grandma. Smoking weed and ordering takeout 3 or 4 times a day were what made me waste alot of money. I distanced myself from family and friends, out of shame.
I feel alone eventhough my gf lives with me 3 weeks and 1 week in the hospital every month. Ive been here caretaker for about 2 years, and tbh it's draining. It reminds me of when I was growing up, I was basically my mom's unofficial caretaker and translator since the age of 10. I was my grandma's caretaker for about a year, in 2021. I feel burnt out from taking care of people. Eventhough I had my parents, I always felt borderline neglected when it it came to my needs. Always wore the same clothes until they didnt fit or were falling apart. In middle school while everyone talked about video games and the new movie that just came out, i was learning about renal disease and keeping track of my moms next appointment. No bonding moments with my dad and tbh with my mom as well. Dad would get anal about whatever random bs and go hang out with his friends every weekend. My bonding moments with my mom were at doctor appointments.
Ive always been serious, but turned into a class clown most of high school to get attention from whoever was paying attention to me. These days im just solemn. My gf is always asking me whats wrong, because I look sad and I barely talk. She understands what im going through. She's an alcoholic possibly going through alcoholic psychosis, almost any recent conversation I have with her gets forgotten. Thats why ive been soo quiet recently.
With everything I've gone through these last few years, have made it difficult for me to stay motivated and finding a reason to keep fighting the good fight. Losing all 3 parents, distancing myself from family, and knowing that my partner might die soon is a heavy weight I need to carry.
Everything i enjoy, feels meaningless. Action figure photography, cooking for others, walks, art, video games, eating, everything that I enjoy or distracts my mind feels meaningless.
What can I do to find the joy in life? Professional help would be a good start but its not going to help as much as people have told me. I tried to seek help, but all I got were pills, a pat on the back, and another appointment. I really dislike the pills, they dont make me feel anything. If I wanted to feel numb, I would rather sit in silence and stare at a wall. For anyone who went through a similar situation, how do you keep going? Losing everyone and everything from a life that seems distant now.
#inspiration
source
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